My first experience with counselling was after the birth of my second child. I was feeling anxious all the time with countless worries that something bad would happen to one of my kids. There were so many concerns that hit me all at once. "Am I making the right decisions? Is my child acting normally? How do I fit everything into a week that I need to do? Will this sensation of groundhog day ever end?"
There was one particular incident that pushed me over the edge. While packing for a Hawaiian getaway, I decided my 3 month old daughter's fingernails needed a little trim. When it came to cutting nails, I had a cool confidence about it as I had been doing it for my son for nearly three years without an incident. As my husband held her, I started trimming and as I went from finger to finger, I noticed my daughter go from a nice normal complexion, to bright, angry, red. She silently squished up her face in pain and then, in what seems like slow motion, opened her mouth and let out an anguished scream. Blood started to trickle from her finger when I realized with horror, that I had clipped her skin. Maintaining my cool, I grabbed a wet wipe and demanded a bandaid from my husband. He started to protest and calmly mentioned it was probably not a good idea. But in my increasingly anxious state, I would not take 'no' for an answer. Eventually with the bandaid in hand, I covered up her little wound and she slowly started to calm down. I left the room for a moment as my husband gently rocked her to help her recover. Seconds after I walked out, I heard terrifying choking noises and , "oh no, oh no!! She swallowed the bandaid!!"
Now in a full panic, and some confusion, I tried to figure out what happened. Thoughts came swirling into my head. Did she really swallow the full bandaid? Will she be okay? Could this get twisted in her intestines?" To make matters worse, we were on our way to a birthday party for my toddler son and I was not sure if we should cancel plans and take her to the hospital. Instead, we went to the party and I told the group of moms (and thankfully some nurses) what happened. Convinced she would be okay, I slowly started to relax and come down from the sheer panic I felt when I realized I had made a terrible mistake. To my husband's credit, he never mentioned his opposition to the bandaid idea.....
This incident was one of several where I realized I was living in a state of anxiety most of the time. Small events could tip me over the edge. I knew that I should give counselling a try and eventually booked in with a local psychologist. Not knowing what to expect, I tried to go in with an open mind and a plan to make positive changes towards feeling better. But to be honest, it was not the experience I was hoping for. Our sessions were at 7am (only option available) which is not ideal for a mom of two young children. Session 3 and 4 were exactly the same with the same handouts and the same topics covered. I felt too intimidated to mention this mistake and at the same time, disheartened by the cost of the services. I never went back.
What I learned from my initial dip into therapy was important. As a client, I prefer taking the lead in what I want to discuss, along with guidance from the counsellor. I want to be comfortable enough to share my likes and dislikes as well as work off my own personal goals. Sometimes, my preference is just to come and let off some steam. Simply talking to someone, feeling heard and being validated is all I need to get through another week. Other times, I feel prepared to do deeper work. But the key is, the expectations for therapy and the type of experience you want in counselling is unique to each person. Advocating for what you want and having a conversation with your therapist is essential to having positive outcomes. Finding the right counsellor is the most important factor when it comes therapy. Look for someone you feel comfortable talking to and not being afraid to mention when something is not working is important. The therapy journey is a joint one but as a client, you get to take the lead to where you want to go. Finding a therapist that suits your particular needs can take some time, and potentially a few wasted handouts, but once you do there is no turning back.
It's been several years since that bandaid incident. I am happy to report, on the most glorious sunny picturesque beach in Hawaii 8 years ago, a hysterical mother could be seen whooping in joy as she changed her baby's diaper. As she stood up -- proud and relieved all at once --she called over to her husband and held her hand up high as if she was gripping her most prized possession. From her fingers dangled a crumbled, worn out bandaid that had been on quite the journey itself.
She took in a deep breath of ocean air and settled back onto her beach blanket for a few moments of peace and quiet.