PARENTING THE ANXIOUS TEEN AND ENCOURAGING RESILIENCY

  As parents, we’ve probably all said at some point, “don’t worry, everything’s going to be fine” to our children. It’s a common enough expression we use to assure them they have nothing to fear. But are we doing them a disservice? How do we know that nothing bad will happen? And when something does go awry, do our kids have the ability to deal with it? We all want the best for our children yet adolescence is a particularly challenging time. As many as one in four teenagers are diagnosed with some sort of anxiety disorder, often centred around internal issues like self-esteem and insecurity about their bodies. Other common concerns focus on fitting in with their peers, avoiding embarrassment or worrying about academics and their future. And while some anxiety is a normal part of childhood, chronic anxiety manifests as overwhelming fear or worry that interferes with one’s ability to function on a daily basis. Common symptoms including irritability, lashing out, appearing distant, not wanting to go to school, poor sleep and substance abuse. So how do parents support their anxious teen? 

     Well for one, avoid saying “don’t worry, it’s going to be fine.” While a parent’s intuition is to reassure our children nothing unpleasant will happen, we also want our teens to be okay with the discomfort of “not knowing.” By offering them comfort in the short term, we’re not preparing them for the long term. And even though you know how to fix the problem they’re facing, don’t do it for them. It may be easy for you, as an adult you’ve had years of experience, but if we step in and take control, our adolescents don’t learn problem solving skills. And it’s not enough to learn by example and observe the parent dealing with an issue. If teens don’t work through the process directly, whether it’s a problem with friends, academic performance or the workplace, they’re not going to gain the direct experience of handling a difficult situation themselves or build confidence in their own capability. One way to support your child is to ask them questions encouraging them to problem solve. For example, “what do you think you want to do?” or “what are your options?” Don’t be taken aback if you’re faced with anger and resentment. Try not to respond with high emotion and overwhelm the anxious teen already struggling to process the conversation. Be present and supportive. Establish regular communication so they know you are genuinely interested and use active listening skills, concentrating on understanding the message and not interrupting. Use non-verbal signals like eye contact and head nods to show you're engaged in what they are sharing; teenagers look to their parents for connection. Communicate you are confident they can figure things out for themselves. Validate their feelings without judgement or criticism even if you don’t agree. And don’t jump in with suggestions to make things better. Be specific with praise and keep it brief. Over the top enthusiasm, although appreciated in the younger child, can also be difficult to process for the anxious teen. It’s also important in adolescence, sometime during the middle or high school years, that parents stop coordinating their child’s social life behind the scenes. How many of us are guilty of parent chat groups? No one wants to see their child excluded, but our anxious teens need to learn how to make social plans and develop new friendships on their own.

    Parenting is the hardest job. Our natural tendency is to want to make things better for our children. We want to jump in and fix things but in the process we’re not empowering them with resiliency. We need to teach them how to handle hard problems on their own and encourage them to develop coping strategies like acceptance, distraction and a positive mindset. If your teen is struggling with chronic anxiety, don’t hesitate to reach out to your family doctor or another medical practitioner. Your child may also benefit from talking to a counsellor who can guide them in developing self awareness and building confidence. Once your teen has the ability to deal with the short term discomfort of navigating a difficult situation, they will be equipped with long term problem solving capabilities and a healthy growth mindset.