YOUR PARTNER FEELS DISTANT; COULD THEY BE HAVING AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR?

     You’re in a relationship; married, living together, long time partners but you feel alone, even neglected by your primary partner. You’re not communicating like before; they’re not talking to you as much or when they do, it’s about practical matters like groceries and who’s picking up the kids after school. You ask your significant other about their day and you get one word answers in return; fine, okay, good. You’re not sharing inside jokes or having deeply personal conversations anymore. There’s a disconnect, a gut feeling that something is off. You don’t think your partner would cheat on you so what gives? Are they confiding in someone else; sharing their thoughts and feelings with another person in place of you? An emotional affair, akin to the closeness and intensity of a romantic relationship, is a real possibility. Nothing physical, not crossing the line, but intimately connecting with another person; a friend, a coworker or someone new.   

      In conventional monogamy, any sexual contact outside the relationship is considered a betrayal. But what happens when someone is having an emotional affair? When two people have a relationship with chemistry but no physical contact? In a recent study, 44% of respondents believed forming an emotional bond outside the relationship constitutes cheating and a further 15% admitted to engaging in this behaviour.  

   So how do you know if your significant other is having this type of affair? Well, for one, they develop a passionate connection with another person (sometimes surpassing what they feel for their partner) sharing thoughts and feelings they previously shared with you. Your partner turns to this person for emotional support and validation. They spend more and more time with this person at the expense of time with you. They have frequent and intimate conversations, even about your relationship, and feel closer to them than you. They might mention this person frequently, even compare them to you, especially where they find you lacking as a primary partner. They feel excited when thinking about this person and there is a measurable decline of physical touch or intimacy with you. They are constantly on social media, commenting on posts or liking photos, and they text excessively, appearing excited after receiving messages. Typically, this relationship is shrouded in secrecy and deception; your significant other guards their phone, deletes messages and changes passwords. Routine behaviour changes and your partner may adopt new interests or activities. And they’re deceptive, lying about where they are, what they’re doing or who they’re talking to on the phone.

     Often emotional infidelity develops from a place of disconnect or a individual is unhappy in their primary relationship. They may feel they have grown apart from this person and they seek connection with someone more likeminded, sharing similar goals and values. They may feel this person is filling a void in their primary relationship or they crave excitement and an escape from their routine. However, emotional cheating undermines one’s primary relationship by damaging trust and generating feelings of betrayal, anger, insecurity and sadness, possibly leading to a relationship breakdown or even separation and divorce.

   If a partnership is to recover from emotional infidelity, there needs to be clear parameters regarding what is acceptable behaviour. Set boundaries and expectations for your partner. Agree to commit to the relationship and have a heart-to-heart conversation about the affair. Write honest letters to one another sharing your innermost thought and feelings. Discuss your hopes for the relationship and make goals for the future including spending more time together, truly connecting. It’s also important to focus on self care and participate in activities that bring you joy. Spend time with friends and family, your support system, so that all your social  and emotional needs are not dependent on one person. Consider reaching out to a therapist for individual or couple’s counselling. A registered clinical counsellor can help you process your emotions and hold space for you while you work on rebuilding trust in your partner. If both people are willing, it is possible to move forward together in stronger, healthier and happier relationship.