Have you ever fretted and worried yourself into a panic over what to wear to school or work or an event? When no matter how many outfits you've tried on, you disliked them all. You looked too frumpy, too thick, too old. You had a closetful of clothes but nothing to wear? Sound familiar? Were you trying to impress someone? Perhaps the human you were crushing on or the person you were dating, friends, acquaintances or even complete strangers? It’s natural to want to look good but there’s a point when a desire for validation gets in the way of one’s authentic self. And it can be problematic to rely on other people’s approval to affirm our value as human beings. Fortunately, there are ways to start caring less. Bonus here, aging often brings the unexpected freedom of the “no longer give a crap” factor!
Is it normal to care what other people think? Yes, it’s a natural human response but it’s also true that many of us are guilty of worrying too much about what others think. Embarrassment and shame can occur when an expected standard or moral code is violated and we wonder what people will think of us. We feel judged. But people consistently over estimate the extent to which others think badly of them or their perceived failures. And when we feel insecure and lose our sense of self, we may compensate with approval seeking behaviours. As humans, we are all wired for social connection and inclusion and when we have other people’s affirmation, we feel good about ourselves, mobilized by a rush of happy hormones. But if one cares too much, it can indicate low self esteem and lead to debilitating anxiety, further spiralling into neediness and insecurity, driving people away. This behaviour can turn into a vicious cycle leading to a loss of self-respect and social alienation. Moreover, worrying too much about what others think may stem from a fear of loneliness and the belief that one hasn’t experienced real friendships or true intimacy. This belief can give rise to behaviour that is more inhibited, less spontaneous and less joyful.
So how do we start caring less? One strategy is to focus on being kind. When one demonstrates kindness they tend to worry less what others think and naturally become more likeable. And we want people to like us so we can establish and nurture relationships that fulfill our basic human need for social connection and our desire for happiness. Another strategy is to develop intentional control. In other words, control what you pay attention to and where you focus your energy. Give consideration to those who are kind in return and away from others who may judge you negatively. Try focusing on the present instead of worrying too much about the past or future. Slow down and use mindfulness, be cognizant of the things that are happening in the moment. Or practice meditation which can aid in relaxation, increase self esteem and even generate enthusiasm for the everyday.
You don’t have to live in doubt of other people’s judgement. Be the confident woman who aims to put their own needs first. Wear that bathing suit to the public pool without fear. Take action and concentrate on what you want to accomplish in life rather than what others think. Practice kindness and compassion. Buy a stranger’s coffee in the Tim Horton’s line up behind you! Apply mindfulness, living in the moment, or meditate for greater self awareness. Prioritize yourself and celebrate every stage of life. If you would like to build your confidence and self worth in this area, reach out to a registered clinical counsellor for therapeutic help and guidance.
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