FRIENDSHIP BREAK-UPS: HOW DO YOU PROCESS THE HURT AND MOVE ON?

    Have you ever met someone and felt an instant connection, as if you had known this person for years and not minutes or hours? You become friends, share everything, talk and text all the time, support each other, lend an ear when needed and vice versa. But then suddenly the relationship changes, you’re on the outs, maybe even replaced by someone else and you don’t understand what happened.

     Or perhaps you’ve been friends since elementary and all through high school, grown-up together, played soccer on the same team every year, took dance lessons, joined scouting and attended summer camp; all shared activities. You stayed friends through post secondary education, travels abroad and milestones like getting married and starting a family. But lately the relationship has soured, and it’s not the same anymore; at least from your perspective. It feels like you’re always giving, but never receiving, and the friendship starts taking an emotional and physical toll on your well-being.

   Do either of these scenarios sound familiar? You may think a friend break-up will never happen to you until the day it does, and you are left sad and confused and alone. There are a myriad of reasons why friendships end; disagreements or unresolved conflicts, lack of communication, unhealthy dynamics, betrayals, lack of respect, changes in interests or priorities, drifting apart and the list goes on. But they all have one thing in common; break-ups hurt. And despite being a universal experience that most people encounter at some point in their lives, losing a close friend is hard. 

     There are no rules for ending a friendship or for handling the loss. And it can impact your ability to trust other people and be vulnerable. It can also be difficult to move forward if you’re not ready to let go of the relationship because of the bond that you shared and all the  positive memories. Or if the friendship ended without warning, the shock of the unexpected could prolong the healing process as you grieve this important relationship in your life. Moreover, it’s not uncommon to fear that you may never have another close friend again that compares to the one you lost. That this person, who supported you through life’s up and downs, who allowed you to feel seen and heard, is irreplaceable. And that it’s possible this friendship would have continued if only you hadn’t made a mistake or done something wrong; that you’re at fault.

   Although painful, a friendship break-up is a natural occurrence in life. If you no longer experience joy after visiting a friend, or you don’t feel supported and begin questioning the value of your relationship; these are common indicators that your friendship may be over. Accepting your emotions and letting yourself feel sad, angry or confused as you contemplate your friendship and why it ended is part of the coping process. Allow yourself to grieve the loss. Be kind to yourself and practice self-compassion; seek support from family, other acquaintances or a therapist. Participate in activities that make you happy and feel good about yourself. Take a break from social media and people or pursuits that remind you of your lost friendship. Open yourself to forging new connections and the possibility of making new friends. Or focus on family and the people in your life who offer the care and support you need. Try and learn from this experience about what is truly important to you and the qualities you look for in a friend. Everyone deserves to feel valued and supported in a relationship.  

     Friendship break-ups are more common than you think but you don’t have to suffer through the isolation and grief alone. If you need help processing your feelings or enhance self-awareness, consider reaching out to a registered clinical counsellor for guided behavioural therapy in your journey for personal growth and well-being.